Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.