LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
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Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Hmmmmm
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.