Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
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[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.