I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
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Good dog. ❤️
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
subtitles are so good nowadays
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert