Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.