1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
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The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I would move hell over six inches for you
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine