lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
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[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.