I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
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My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.