I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
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My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
A game married people play.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Ion see the issue
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Last-minute gift idea!
i was baptized in a car wash
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.