When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
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My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”