Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché