You Might Also Like
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.