[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
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Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.