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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw