Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
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12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”