Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.