Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
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movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.