You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
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Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..