It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
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Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I laughed at this way too hard.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem