I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
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A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.