GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
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[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Scream sneezers need love too.
*weighs self after shaving
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I have a type: disappointing
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”