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It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed