I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
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My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.