Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
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Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
They got a point!
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
guys i’ve cracked the code