Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Nice try Hitler
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.