*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
You Might Also Like
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?