Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
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I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!