If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day