me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
You Might Also Like
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit