9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Harsh but fair
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?