me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
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Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings