In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Happy Friday
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.