I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
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*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes