I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
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My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
What flavor cupcake are these
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Air pods looking like an angry frog
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.