You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
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And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Fight
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
tinder is all about the long game
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
just leave it at the foot of the bed
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
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