CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
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ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out