STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
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Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?