The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect