[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
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To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
How I’d get arrested…
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
calling in to work dehydrated
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.