Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
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wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.