Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
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I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
dads on road-trips be like
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.