MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
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One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents