Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
You Might Also Like
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.