If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
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Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit