Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?