Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.