Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
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*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.