Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
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Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’