Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
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How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My circle of trust is a meatball
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.