everyone has that one prude friend
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I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Important reminders
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I can’t stop laughing at this
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.